You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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