He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
