i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
