My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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