I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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