Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
