i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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