just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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