how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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