Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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