Fine. I'll sleep in my office
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
