Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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