i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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