the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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