she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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