How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
