Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I met the friendliest cop last night
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
