So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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