Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
