My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
