He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
