For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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