They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
