dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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