watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
