even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
