Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
