Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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