ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
