I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
