If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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