Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Quick, to the slutcave!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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