Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
