i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
