so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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