Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
you had me at cake vodka
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
