My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
