??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
