Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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