I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
