Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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