U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
