Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
