i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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