saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
