I swear she didn't look like that last week.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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