OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
