Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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