I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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