As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
