Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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