i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
