Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
