I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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