You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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