He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
