how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
